Johnny and Me

Johnny and Me
A lesson on Forgiveness

Johnny was my brother and we were both adopted from different foster homes. Johnny was adopted at 11 months old and he was the most beautiful baby boy. I still have pictures and yes, indeed he was beautiful. My parents were so proud! I was later adopted at the age of 2 ½ years old and did not compare to the beauty of my brother as I was covered in fifth and bug bites. I could not walk without falling because my legs were crooked, but my new parents chose me because of my condition and having already been in 5 different living situations. They took me to a specialist and I wore a brace at night for several years until my legs straightened. It was by no means a pleasant experience for me, but I appreciate my parents for their concern and care for me in giving me a new life. Johnny’s father was in prison for car theft and my Mother wanted to keep me, but despite her circumstances just could not, and I was finally turned over to the judge and a pastor friend of my Dad’s notified him about me.

I guess my brother and I were typical siblings, fighting and arguing all the time, but there was one thing that I couldn’t stand and that was for other kids to pick on Johnny. You see, Johnny was big for his age and never bullied anyone, but he was constantly bullied because he had a soft heart and would not fight back…or maybe he was just afraid. It would frustrate my father to no end that Johnny would not defend himself. He would ridicule my brother. He would try to teach him to box, but my brother refused, so me being a tomboy would say “teach me”, so my father taught me to fight and shunned my brother. My father also tried to teach Johnny to play pool, but my brother wasn’t good at it, so I would say “teach me!” And then my father would teach me how to play pool instead.

The things my father tried to teach Johnny and failed led to my father’s disappointment and he treated my brother like a sissy. Well we were kids, so at the time I did not have the full understanding of how my father made my brother feel. Even into adulthood.

But I do remember one time Johnny stepped up to the plate. When we were about 8 & 9 years old we had to walk home from school every day through the woods and there were these 3 big older boys who relentlessly teased and taunted us and would try to pick a fight with my brother. This went on for some time and I would dread our walk home from school. One day these boys went too far and push came to shove and all of a sudden a fight ensued between 2 elementary school children and 3 much older and bigger boys. I don’t remember all that happened that particular day, I do remember jumping on the back of one and I assume Johnny took care of the other two because we never saw those boys again. My brother and I were united that day and my brother stood up to the plate. You hear it said God can use ordinary people to do extraordinary things?...that day God did by giving courage in the lives of two frightened children.

The reason I am telling you all of this is because my father died when we were young teens and we moved many times as our family had to move in with our aunt and uncle. Johnny and I did not have much of a relationship and he quit high school in the 10th grade and moved away. I really didn’t see him again until I was about 26 when he moved to Texas where my extended family was living. I was out on my own by then, but was nearby and came home often and began to establish a relationship with my brother again.

It was about a year later my brother was diagnosed with a massive brain tumor. Before it was discovered Johnny worked as a security guard, and had started getting terrific headaches, falling asleep while standing and taking two hours to find his way home which was 15 minutes from where he worked. When he went to the oncologist the CAT scan revealed a tumor the size of a grapefruit on the center of his brain. They said it had been growing there for years. The day before they did the biopsy a kind pastor came to see my brother and brought him a hamburger and that day Johnny asked Jesus to come into his life. They performed the biopsy and it was malignant and he was given 9-15 months to live. He received radiation once, as there was nothing else they could do. He went home from the hospital and while he could still walk I would pick him up for church on Sundays. I was singing in the choir at that time and from the choir I would watch him with that big cowboy hat on and as the choir would sing I would watch my brother in the congregation cry like a baby and it would just break my heart. I don’t believe I continued singing in the choir much longer. As the tumor grew he was starting to get very emotional, but yet he became such a blessing and inspiration to people around him!

Nine months before he died he became bedridden and his wife, my mother and I would take shifts taking care of him. Even though Johnny was bedridden he was fortunate to have the use of his hands, and for the most part his mind. He did not have to suffer pain for most of his illness because the tumor put pressure on the areas that would cause it. He had an incredible positive attitude! I took care of him soon as I got off work from 5pm to 12 midnight every night and all his needs had to be attended to. Now you see, my brother and I never really had a close relationship until this time and we spent many hours talking. Sometimes he would get confused, but he was usually very logical. For the first time we had a good relationship, because for most of our lives it had always been strained.

One night, Johnny said to me that I had to forgive him for something. I said, “Whatever do I need to forgive you for?” Then he cried and told me after all these years how he had resented me because he felt Dad preferred me over him because the way Dad had treated him. I told Johnny that was not his fault; I did not need to forgive him. He persisted that I had to say the words “I forgive you.” So I told him I forgave him. My brother humbled himself and told me why he resented me all his life. The origination of it wasn’t his fault but he chose the responsibility to ask for forgiveness. But then I said, but Johnny? Don’t you remember when I did this to you? He said, “I don’t remember.” I said “what about this?” He said “I don’t remember.” I attempted many times to confess the hurtful things I had done to him, only to hear him say, “I don’t remember.”

The night he died I held this big 6'4" man's hand and sang to him all the Bible songs we knew as children that I could remember. We were united. When I looked at my brother after he passed away, he was not there because his soul was with Jesus. Through Christ leading, Johnny cleaned the slate and prepared himself to meet the Savior. I’m sure it was a glorious reunion!

My mother said the day before he died, Johnny sat up in the bed and sang every word of the song “Mine eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.” Every word.

I’ll be honest and say it took me many years to let go of the grudge against my father for the way he treated my brother. Tonight I had written a short anonymous note to someone who I felt had hurt me. It was not a very kind note. After I wrote this about my brother I tore the note up and threw it away. I have to remember what my brother taught me, and choose not to remember. It says in the Bible in Psalm 65:3“Though we are overwhelmed by our sins, you (Jesus) forgive them all.

I have to ask the question, how do I want to meet my Savior one day?...with a heart full of unforgiveness or with a clean slate like my brother? God help me when I’m hurt not to hold on to grudges and where forgiveness is needed let me be willing to forgive others and never be so proud not to confess and ask for it myself. “Create in me a clean heart Oh God, and renew a right spirit within me.” Because Jesus truly purifies the soul.